JENNY, AGE: 28

WHAT ARE YOU DREAMING?

“I just want to be happy, like that’s my biggest dream. I just want to be coming into my own and like being happy with myself. I’m dreaming of being happy and doing what I want to do - whether it’s traveling or getting into a new career path, like getting into nursing, or dreaming of…like, I want a family. I want kids. But I’m not stressed like I use to be about it. Like, I want that but I’m not on the conveyor belt of ‘you have to go to school, you have to graduate, you have to have kids, you have to be married, blah blah blah’ - I was on that conveyor belt, got divorced, and I don’t need that conveyor belt. Shut it down.”

WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?

“Birds…birds are scary. But I think the big core of my fears is the unknowns. It’s why I don’t like haunted houses and shit - don’t like things poppin’ out at me. But the unknowns also in life, like not knowing if I’m going to have kids someday or if I’m going to find somebody. I guess, it’s not being in control…situations I don’t have control of are scary. And not knowing what’s next…which is also kind of a beautiful thing in a way, but a lot of my fear comes from that - the not knowing.”

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BODY?

“Uff…that has been a struggle - my whole life. Even when I was little I always compared myself to others and I think that’s what most women especially go through, men do too, but…I’ve never felt comfortable in my body except in the last couple of years there’s been a huge growth in that. Like, learning to love my body and it’s okay to have stretch marks, it’s okay to have curves, it’s okay to not - every body shape is beautiful in its own way. And I’ve always been able to see that in others, but it’s been hard for me to see that in myself. But over the past couple of years I’ve really learned to love my body for how it is instead of trying to drastically change it - just let it be, in a healthy way I guess. And…I don’t know…when people would say “Oh, what do you love about your body?” I would say my hair, my eyes, and would never say a physical thing. But now it’s like - it’s my body, and I love it. And I’m grateful for it.”

WHAT DO YOU REGRET?

“Honestly…this is going to be a cheesy answer…but honestly I don’t think I really regret anything because I think everything that’s happened has led me to where I am now. Like, I could say I regretted marrying my ex, but I don’t regret that because I wouldn’t be where I am right now and I wouldn’t have the self-love and self-worth that I have now. I think I would be in a very different state if I didn’t have that. And, I think every thing that happens is an opportunity for growth and knowledge and whatever…life’s not a fairytale - bad shit happens. And it’s how you grow. I think if the bad things didn’t happen the good things wouldn’t be as sweet.”

WHAT DO YOU LOVE ABOUT YOU?

“Why is that so hard to answer? I don’t know…I think I love how I like…I’m a good picker of people, which sounds weird. But the people I surround myself with are amazing people and I think you have to be a good person to have good people in your life. Except for dating relationships, I don’t have that ‘dar - I have a douchebag ‘dar cause I only find douchebags. But in life, I feel like I have a good judge of character and surround myself with amazing people. And I know that I’m a very caring and loving person and I do know that about myself. And I can make people feel calm…like even my mom yesterday during her surgery she was like “I don’t want anyone else with me for surgeries - I want you” because of my calming presence. Which is why no matter what I do I want to help people, because I know I’m good at that.”

WHAT COLOR ARE YOU LOVING? WHY?

“Well it’s funny because different colors have had different meanings in my life, or different draws - purple was the color for a really long time. But now it’s like a maroon-y color, like a burnt maroon…like a rust. Which is funny because I normally don’t gravitate toward that color, but I was looking for a sweatshirt and I saw that and I was like “That’s my color! I love that.” I think it’s a comforting color, and also autumnal - it’s very chic (no, I’m kidding). But there’s something about that color that’s very calming for me.”

WHAT IS LOVE?

“Love is…what’s the Shakespeare quote…shit, as an English major I should know this. Love is hard, man. I think love, when you’re in it, needs to feel unconditional. I think it’s something you can’t force - you just feel it. It’s those butterflies when you think about a person - it doesn’t have to be in a romantic way, just when you love them you smile because you’re happy. And there’s that joy, even in the hard times - you always find that love for them. And I feel like true love is that person that you’re with who doesn’t try to change you and doesn’t make you feel like you need to be x, y, z - they love you where you’re at. If you’re at a low point, they don't try to fix you. They are just with you and not like trying to be your doctor, therapist, whatever - they’re just there. A lot of people I’ve said I’ve loved have tried to change me, and I realize that’s not genuine love - that’s manipulation. Oh! I was thinking of Moulin Rouge! “Love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love!””

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?

“A PRINCESS. No, just kidding…but wouldn’t that be cool? Is there a Tindr app for princes? That’s what I want. That’s a TV show, too. But no…I, again, just want to be happy. I want to find something that challenges me, brings me joy, um…as of today, it’s nursing. But tomorrow it could be a hairstylist. It could be an astronaut - I don’t know. I thought it was working with children which I do love children, but I think I need something that’s ever-changing, like something new every day - I just need to see different people, and brand new, different stories would be really cool. And I mean, I also want to be a mom - that would be cool. Not a normal mom, but a cool mom.”

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE HELD?

“Well, I mean you and I had a hug-fest so that’s one. But I think yesterday before my mom’s surgery…we just held on to each other and it’s like, obviously it’s a pretty normal surgery, but the fear of like, what if she doesn’t wake up? I’m here…what happens? And there was something in that hold…and I think it goes back to love - there’s a feeling there you don’t just get with anybody. Like, that’s my mom - that’s my person. There’s that love there. And, I know that it’s never going anywhere - it’s just very unconditional.”

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE WRONG?

“Wrong? Oh god. Um…honestly I think it was yesterday with math. Me and my mom were trying to do math and she had just come out of surgery and was struggling and I was struggling with math. But literally I’m wrong a lot - it’s sometimes hard to admit, especially when it’s against my dad because he always thinks he’s right and I just want to prove him wrong. I don’t know…I feel like I’m a hard person on myself, and so I think I’m wrong all the time but I’m really not…but, I think we’re all kind of that way too…or the opposite. I guess there’s kinda two sides to the coin. But I’m definitely the side that’s like, “I’m wrong - it’s okay.””

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU FELT HAPPY?

“Literally today - we were crying in the car because we were just laughing…you’re just the best. We can talk about literally anything and just like talk for hours and it’s such a happy thing. You’re just so sweet and I just love you - can the rest of it just be a love to you because you’re just amazing…that’s all.”

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU FELT SAD?

“Actually yesterday when I was in the hospital I kind of had a flashback to when I had my appendix out. And I actually was pretty anxious in the hospital, like I haven’t been here for months and obviously it was a different hospital, but it was a very scary time. And also, I was married then and like so many things have changed, and so I was sad because it was a scary time in the hospital but also like wow, I’ve come a really long way. It was a lot of emotions at once - anxiety, fear, sadness, happiness…like, all rolled into one. It was just a lot.”

WHERE IS HOME?

“I think I’ve learned over time that home is not a physical place - it’s a feeling. Because when I lived in Cedar Rapids that was never home to me even though it was technically my home base at that point. But home is like…I think it’s the people that surround you and like…I don’t know. To me it’s a feeling rather than a physical place.”

WHO ARE YOUR PEOPLE?

“You…and my parents - they are my biggest support. And I’ve got a lot of good friends - we’ve got the whole fox hole and I love them. And my friends Sam, and Caleb, and Callie, and Zach, and I think any job that I’ve had I’ve had really good work people, too. And shout out to my therapist. Like I said, I’m not good at finding the boyfriends, but I’m good at finding the friends.”

HOW DO YOU TAKE CARE OF YOU?

“I’m glad you asked! Let me share (haha)…that’s been a learning process. I’m always a person who wants to care about others first because I think I’m scared of the only child selfish troupe, if you will. Um…so…I usually would just take care of the other person instead of myself. But I’ve learned that I can’t take care of other people if I don’t take care of myself first - I’m number one, man. So…a big thing for me, I like love bathes. I never used to love bathes. But now I just put a candle on and some nice salts or whatever and just relax. Or painting, listening to music, crafts, watching ‘The Office’ for the 800th time and not giving a crap what anyone thinks about it. But yeah…and also realizing it’s okay to say no, even if it’s a fun thing. If I feel overwhelmed because I had a hard week it’s okay to just be in my pajamas watching ‘The Office’ - I don’t have to do something just because I feel obligated to.”

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE 28 YEARS OLD?

“It actually feels pretty great. I think with the pandemic time has taken on a different meaning. Because like, I used to be scared of time. Like, I used to be scared of turning 30 and that’s in a couple of years. And now it’s like time is a gift. The years we have are a gift because, like a global pandemic happened and took out people that were seemingly healthy and you don’t know - time is not guaranteed. So…I don’t know…it’s a blessing to have the years, so I’m not scared of them anymore.