LINDSEY, age: 25
WHAT ARE YOU DREAMING?
“I guess recently I’ve been dreaming a lot about what I want to do teaching-wise…because that’s been a big thing for me right now. Like, what kind of teaching I want to do and what and where I want to go in the next chapter of my teaching life. Starting grad school and knowing that I want to go for autism, and then like when that will happen. So, I guess I know what I want to do, it’s the when — I am dreaming about when.”
WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?
“A lot of stuff. Umm…I’m afraid of failure. I’m afraid of being alone. I’m afraid of mice…I’m afraid of not being good enough — is that a good answer?”
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BODY?
“Oh…how does one answer that question? Um…I would like to tell you that I have a great relationship with my body, but I do not…in the slightest, in any way, shape, or form. Yeah…I’m working on the idea of body neutrality. So, not having hatred but also not feeling any good feelings just, like, feeling okay with that. I’m not there, but that’s the goal. Um…but no, I would be lying if I said I had any kind of good relationship with my body.”
WHAT DO YOU REGRET?
“I don’t know that…I don’t know that I regret a lot of stuff? I think there’s stuff I would do differently knowing what I know now…it’s like the more you learn, the more you do things differently. So, like, I don’t know that I have…that I have necessarily something I totally regret because those things helped me learn what I know now.”
WHAT DO YOU LOVE ABOUT YOU?
“There’s a few things that I think about…I think I like…love…well, I’m going to say what I like because I like somethings about me — I think I have really good work ethic, and organizational skills, and responsibility stuff. I also like that I’m able to get along with a lot of people and be…I like to think of myself as a very warm person and I like that quality, I love that quality of myself…empathetic and willing to hear and meet people where they are…patience and caring are two things I feel like I have a lot of, especially when it comes to school stuff. Like, patience is my number one thing. I’ve had to learn that a lot, but I also feel like it’s an intrinsic thing about what I do.”
WHAT COLOR ARE YOU LOVING? WHY?
“Dark, foresty green…like, olive tones. Well, I guess that would be lighter…I just really love greens. And interestingly enough I’ve been kind of into terracotta recently. When I’m looking at my apartment, most of everything is green but then I have these terracotta planters and I like the earthiness of them…but I just love greens. Green makes me feel really calm and grounded.”
WHAT IS LOVE?
“Oh shit…um…what is love? Love is safety, it’s unconditional, it’s trust, and warmth and knowing that you always have somewhere that you belong and feel like you can be your true self — authentic self.”
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
“I have two answers — I have a professional answer and a personal growth answer. My professional answer is that I really want to be in special ed leadership. I don’t know exactly what that looks like but I want to be in a leadership role, eventually. My personal answer is that I want to feel confident in myself and feel secure and not insecure in everything I do. So, when I grow up I want to be confident.”
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE HELD?
“You hugged me this morning! So, you! ”
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE WRONG?
“Oh, all the time. Um…the absolute last time I was wrong was trying to find parking here because I went the wrong way down the street. And just all the time…I’m wrong all the time.”
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU FELT HAPPY?
“I feel pretty happy right now.”
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU FELT SAD?
“Yesterday. I felt sad yesterday…you know, how you can feel kind of weirdly sad on your birthday? Like, alone? So, yeah I would say late last night just thinking about feeling kind of alone and being a year older…25 kinda feels like a big number, like that feels…halfway to 30! And then I’m like what the hell, I’ve got so much to do! I need to get moving…cause in 5 years I’ll be 30. I also think I sometimes have expectations in my head about how things should be or how I want them to be…I don’t know, expectations about a lot of things, about life…And…grief isn’t the right word…but a longing for letting go of those expectations. Well, I guess it’s kind of grieving…cause by the time I was 25 I assumed I’d be dating someone. By the time I was 25 I assumed I’d be on the track to getting married…like, dating someone I’m secure with. So, just feeling sad about expectations…and feeling kind of lonely…what I’m living right now is different than the ‘should do’ plan I had in my head. And I’m happy with it! But there’s a layer of sadness.”
WHERE IS HOME?
“Home is with my family. Home is…I picture my ‘safe place’ when I think of home…and what I think of is around the fire pit at home and the five of us together, or with others. So like a very, very safe place with my family. And happiness.”
WHO ARE YOUR PEOPLE?
“My people are my parents, Billy, Emily, you, Emma, Jenny, Erin, Natalie, my therapist (110%), and a lot of other people that I hold really dearly. I think about who is it that I feel I don’t have to be ‘on’ around, where I can fully just be — people that make me feel safe…there’s only a few people I would go to in a really dark time — who is it that would love and accept me in any state?”
HOW DO YOU TAKE CARE OF YOU?
“Well…um, eating…is something I’m supposed to do to take care of me. Mhmm…that’s a big one. Um…I’m also really, really into journaling. I know that sometimes I have a really hard time organizing my thoughts in my head and when I’m able to write them down that helps a lot…so I’ve been really challenging myself to do that every night for the last year. And that doesn’t mean it’s happened every night, but that’s been the goal for a while now. But I also shy away from it at times because I don’t think what I have to say is ‘good enough’ but also know if I do it I would feel better.”
HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE 25 YEARS OLD?
“25 feels good…I feel like I’ve kind of entered a new chapter of, like, adulting…because I’m living on my own now, in grad school, working on getting to a job I really want to do. Yeah, I just feel like I’ve kind of come to a new chapter and I’m ready to try that on. A quarter of a century…is that what that is? Yeah, a quarter of a century. Transitioning from out of college into my adult years — I’m in it now. ”