LINDSEY, AGE: 26

WHAT ARE YOU DREAMING?

“I’m dreaming about a lot of things. Dreamin’ about this drink right now — this rosé. I’m dreamin’ about a straw that I don’t have. I am thinking about a lot of different things…about school and starting a new job that I really like. And then also a lot of dreaming about the future and what that looks like for me. Like, as I moved into my new apartment this year I was like, ‘okay, this is not somewhere where I’m going to be forever.’ So thinking about my forever home and where I would want that to be. And who will I share that with. And then thinking about a lot of personal growth. I feel like I’ve had a lot of personal growth this year and self confidence so thinking about applying that and really leaning into that in the next year.”

WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?

“So many things. Really afraid of dying. I’m mean, there’s superficial things…not superficial, like surface-level things I’m afraid of and then there’s like some real big things I’m afraid of. I’m really afraid of mice — hate mice. I’m really afraid of losing anyone in my family. Or, like, anyone getting sick. Or mass shootings. Or murder. So really any of the really scary crime things that have been happening. Especially gun violence recently — that really scares me. I don’t want anybody that I love to ever be in a situation like that. And hearing about, like, school shootings…I’m just very scared of shootings right now. And losing people I love.”

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BODY?

“I’m working on it. It’s not a great relationship, never has been. But…I think I’ve come a long way in the last year on that. But, I also have a really long way to go. And I don’t love my body right now (or ever). But I know that that’s also a very eating disorder thought. I don’t know…I think, like, the…I’m learning to accept the way that I look and not judging myself, my person on the way my body looks. And also, my therapist talks a lot about body neutrality so maybe I don’t have positive but I don’t have negative either. And I want to…I want to answer this question and say that I feel so much gratitude for my body and everything that it does for me, but that’s just not real.”

WHAT DO YOU REGRET?

“I don’t regret a lot because the experiences that I have had have shaped me and have taught me different things. Even though they sucked while they were happening and I wouldn’t want to go through them again. I think the choices that I’ve made, the experiences that I’ve had, the life-living lessons have taught me a lot and helped inform who I am. So, I don’t think I would do it differently. I don’t think I regret anything.”

WHAT DO YOU LOVE ABOUT YOU?

“I don’t know…that’s a hard question. I…have really come to love my personality. And I feel like I’ve really come into being myself and feeling myself and feeling very…I don’t want to sound conceded when I say I love my personality…I just feel like I’ve really come into my own and have very defined style and persona — things that have taken me awhile to really figure what that is. And I like the person that I’m becoming. There’s a lot of work that still needs to be done in accepting that, but I like being the, like, organized, super specific, and like, the way I think about things and how people know me — the way that I’m wired. I also think I have a lot of empathy, and I like that. And a lot of patience. And those are two qualities that I want to always emulate. So I really like those qualities about myself.”

WHAT COLOR ARE YOU LOVING? WHY?

“Rust. Been all about the rust color lately. Like, darker than terra cotta. I don’t know why I’ve been loving it. It’s just been kind of speaking to me. I like it because it’s very earthy but still in the neutral tones. Not a jewel tone, necessarily. It’s got the earthiness to it and it goes very well with greens (which I love) and they compliment each other really well. Like, my apartment has been rust colored, green, and then some cream-ish white-ish accents. And I feel like those colors really speak to who I am and what I like. And that’s something I’ve really struggled with — what I like and what I think is cool versus what society thinks is cool. So, I feel like I’ve really defined that and these colors are that.”

WHAT IS LOVE?

“Love is unconditional, and safe, and feeling like yourself and not needing to do anything but just be you. Feeling no pressure, and feeling that no matter what happens there is always people to count on and people that will be there for you in hard times and in good times. There’s just a sense of belonging, and safety, and comfort that can’t be described any other way.”

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?

“Well, I want to go into administration — that’s a dream that I’ve had for a long time. That’s my ‘career-side’ dream. I also really want to be a mom when I grow up. And be married. And have a family. And have a really healthy relationship with myself, and my partner, and my kids, and my family. And just be really true to who I am and what I want. And I would like to have really good work-life balance — that is something I want to do when I grow up. And adulting…I’m adulting, sometimes. It’s hard. I tell my parents all the time when I do big kid things that I’m ‘adulting’. So, I would maybe like to be an adult someday? Because I don’t really feel like I’ve graduated to that yet. Yes and no, right? I’m not responsible enough to do, like, insurance shit or taxes, but I have the independence of adulting.”

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE HELD?

“I got lots of birthday hugs and I felt very loved. Yeah, I got lots of birthday hugs on my birthday and days leading up kind of around there. There’s probably the last time.”

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE WRONG?

“All the time. Well, I missed the turn…that was the absolute last time I was wrong. I missed the turn and I thought I was absolutely right on and you turned behind me so…yeah.”

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU FELT HAPPY?

“I feel pretty happy right now. I was pretty happy last night. I was pretty happy on my birthday, and on my dad’s birthday — we took shark shots and that was a happy time. I’m also happy just sometimes being by myself. Also, I went to yoga yesterday and that was really good. I came back and felt really light and really content. So, maybe after yoga yesterday.” 

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU FELT SAD?

“Well, we watched a documentary this morning that…sad might not be the right word, but I guess it was sad because there was a lot of abuse and things. And then the news is depressing. The last time I was sad about something…I feel like I feel a lot of anxiety more than I feel sadness. But, my grandma really has been struggling recently and I learned about that on Monday and that was sad. And my dad is touring memory care facilities and things and that makes me really sad to think about —her deteriorating and her not being herself anymore. Like, her calling my dad and saying she needs to figure out how to get home — that stuff makes me feel really sad.”

WHERE IS HOME?

“My home is where my family is. I think about, like, really happy places — that would be home. Places I feel the feelings I described of love, where you just get to be you. I mean, Maple Grove, right? It could be in those walls. But when we’re at our cabin I feel like we’re all home. Just being with people I love.”

WHO ARE YOUR PEOPLE?

“Different people for different things, I think. Which I’m grateful for. Like, I think about my good friends who are you, and Emma, and Erin and Natalie, and Bethany, and Jenny…and I feel like I’m forgetting someone. But, then I’ve got my family who are 100% my people. Yeah, I think those are my people. I think there are certain people that I love to talk about certain things with. Like, there are certain people I love to talk about teaching things with. And there’s certain people I go to when I’m really struggling or want to celebrate things. And I know there’s different people that play certain roles, and I feel that makes up a pretty cohesive support system. Because I have a lot of different people to turn to, but also a lot of the same people for multiple reasons. Also my therapist — love her.”

HOW DO YOU TAKE CARE OF YOU?

“I’ve really, really, in the summers, started to value rest. And that is not something I do in the school year. I mean, I freaking love sleep — we all know that. I can’t function without 12-hours or whatever and will be sleep talking to everyone. But, giving myself enough sleep. Maybe it’s just me not having good work-life balance, but I just feel like when we have breaks from school I really value that I can just be lazy and lay on the couch all day and have the time to do that where I don’t feel like I have the time to do that during the school year. So, taking the time to just rest. And eat. Also, might be yoga. I’ve been really into that recently. Also, journaling — I’m a big journal-er.”

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE 26 YEARS OLD?

“No more health insurance. I feel angry about that law. But also, it’s probably time. And I’m grateful that I have a job that gives me health insurance, but I just loved being on my parent’s health insurance. And the plans don’t make any sense to me. I don’t know. Anyways, it feels good to be 26. Every year I feel like there’s a little bit of an reality check of like ‘I’m not getting any younger’ and I need to put the time and energy into dating that I don’t really want to do. But, I want to be dating someone. But, I don’t want to go through like the first dates…I want to be on the couch in sweatpants right away. Every year for the last couple years on my birthday I’m just like, ‘Shit Lindsey, you need to put the time and effort into it’ and then I don’t. But it feels good, it feels like I’m adulting, it feels like I’m stepping into myself. The end.”